we'll save you, old man!

so, we're walking down bay street to the bank the other night, and we are greeted by an odd sight. no, not the guy who wears the necklace of dead animals. he was at school.

we saw:

an old man trapped in the bank! the door that senses your soul was stuck. so, either this old man was already dead, or there was some kind of karmic malfunction. either way, we rushed to the rescue. he beat feebly against the treacherous panes with his metal walker. he had but moments of air left! bank cards at ready, we knew what to do.

steve was the first on the scene. with no thought for his own safety, he swiped his mighty debit card, and threw himself at the door, prying with all his might. the gods smiled upon our noble crusader, the old man was free!

here our narrative breaks off. mostly 'cause i had been drinking and can't remember what we did after that. i think the old dude kind of just wandered off to his next adventure.

today, on a very special episode of 'my blog'

"molestation, feminism and you" **

inappropriate touching has been a topic of much conversation lately in my varied social circles. given the preoccupation, i feel it necessary to both address the issue and provide suitable responses. only you can prevent 'touchie-feelie'.

we've all been there at some point or another (girls AND boys): you're at a club, you're having a good time, and then you feel...something. now, the 'something' can range from a brush of the hair by alien fingers to full-on groping. what might seem appropriate to some people can be HORRIBLY misinterpreted by others. it really depends on the person. if you're of the ice-queen mentality, a look in your general direction, or invasion of your personal bubble can be perceived as transgression. if you're looser with your person, some physical contact may not be repulsive to you. anyway...

...so, you're enjoying your evening (or morning, or coffee, whatever), and your personal sensibilities have been offended in some way. now, there are several accepted procedures of response:

1. walk away
2. scream bloody murder
3. say no and tell a parent
4. like the victorian matrons before you, lie back and take it
5. unadulterated violence

a cursory examination of each procedure is in order here. i think visual representation is also necessary...mostly because i'm not inclined to read long blogs without pictures, so i doubt you are either.

*walk away*

the easiest response, though it doesn't address the issue of personal insult. and your deluded aggressor may misinterpret your perambulation as an invitation to follow you. yuck.

*scream bloody murder*



popular with the histrionic set. while the intended result will most certainly be produced, you will incur a certain degree of attention from onlookers. if you've screamed because a passer-by accidentally brushed your sleeve with their bag, and you started in like a banshee, there may be negative social impact for you. remember, apollo advises moderation. consider the circumstances and if popular culture would view the contact as socially inappropriate.

*say no and tell a parent*


are you 12? honestly. unless you're a minor, and someone named chester is leering and gesticulating at you from the bushes in a school play, this probably doesn't apply to you.

*like the victorian matrons before you, lie back and take it*



here's where the 'feminism' portion of our public service announcement comes into play. the victorian approach is hands down the WORST way to respond to molestation. not only do you encourage your attacker, but you're forced to submit to contact that will give you, and any friends you tell, the willies for years to come. seriously - a girlfriend of mine had her hand licked in a bar once, she told me, i had a complex for 5 years. by capitulating, acquiescing, surrendering, etc. you open up the floor for more intimate contact. while most rational people would interpret lack of response as indifference and cease contact, there are some who view lack of any negative response as a positive. by utilizing this approach, you are forced to consider further action - at what point do you finally assert yourself? do you EVER assert yourself? you don't want to find yourself married for 50 years saddled with a passel of great-grand-brats before you mention you weren't interested. the feminist inside you is crying...dry her tears.


*violence*
finally! we come to my personal favourite method of dealing with issues of physical contact. arm the athena within, release your xena battle-cry, embody the feminist warrior woman (umm...or man, just so this is not gender-specific) and fight! with a shoe.

*weapons of the trade*

the sandal

the sandal should be used for minor transgressions only. i call it the 'slipper-slapper' approach. flirtatious and forbidding, the slipper-slap is a playful way to say, "your conduct offends me, but i don't hate you". apply to face region, repeat if necessary.

the kitten heel

excellent for asserting yourself with puncture wounds. a step up from the sandal, the kitten heel is designed for mildly offensive to rather unsettling tactile invasion. delivered to the torso region, a more militant message is inferred ("this is your only warning") in 5 stab wounds or less.

the steel-toed boot

no longer just for angry goths and construction workers, the steel-toed boot is reserved for the most gross offenses of social conduct. the desired result is to bludgeon your attacker to death or, at the very least, induce coma. directed with repeated blows to the crotch region, it delivers the unambiguous message, "fuck off and die".

now you are all equipped for even the most unpleasant of tactile social transgression. just remember, molesters are people too - just like you, they have feelings, they bleed - hopefully all over the sidewalk after a well-aimed assault with a shoe.


** as per usual, the intent is to amuse and entertain. if you really have been molested, i apologize for encouraging the resurfacing of those memories, and forcing you back into expensive therapy. my bad.