welcome to grad school

so, jessica and i have embarked on grad studies, and over the course of the last month, we've been initiated into the rituals and mysteries of that exclusive cult. think eleusis, minus the phallus in the basket.

anyway, after observing our peers, our professors, and even our own behaviour, we have compiled our findings on:

*How to Be a Successful Grad Student*

with your host, serena the classicist.

1. Interacting in the Department

- walk around with papers in your hand at all times. this makes you look incredibly engaged and perhaps even over-worked. if possible, move with increased speed. add a huffy expression. remember, you're a grad student, and you're very important.

- when being observed by undergrads, straighten up and walk faster. grad school is sooooo hard, you haven't got time to chat.

- when leaving your office, collect your keys and lock the door, even to go down the hall to the water fountain. the more people see you locking and unlocking the door, the more it reinforces the fact that you're a grad student, and so much cooler than they are.

- if possible, jangle your keys when walking about the department. only grad students and professors have keys...to offices. offices are what separates the patricians from the plebs. you don't want casual passers-by seeking the peace studies department to think you're a pleb, do you?

- call professors by their first names when speaking to undergrads. when the undergrads become puzzled, say, 'oh, you know, dr. [insert random educator here]. we're just that close now.' throw these names in at every given opportunity, even when it seems inappropriate. you're a grad student, you can do no wrong.

- alienate all of your previous undergrad friends. so they have 5 classes and intense seminar work. you're a grad student. your work is intensely harder by virtue of YOUR doing it.

- throw in the occasional acronym: FGS, OGS, GSA, CUPE, etc. don't explain. these are secret, important organizations, revealed only to you through your elevated social status. if possible, walk off quickly, in a huff, to the FGS, complaining about your OGS while muttering about the obligations of the GSA and CUPE.

2. Attending Your TA Lectures

- always walk down in a pack with your fellow TAs. this is intimidating to students and reinforces your unapproachable importance. solidarity!

- sit at the very front of lecture. all in a row. and don't smile. you're the authority here! all that's separating that room from the chaotic forces of...chaos.

- when the professor is making daily announcements, take every opportunity to make helpful hints and suggestions. you're indispensible to your prof - what would he do without you? besides, undergrads don't yet know the meaning of 'officious'.

- in case the students missed the fact that you're a grad by that remarkable show of solidarity, keep your 'desk copy' courseware on your lap, prominently displayed at all times. if someone asks you a question about lecture or tutorials, feign surprise, then say, 'oh! you think i'm a student! no, i'm your TA...ask your peers for notes.'

3. Administering Tutorials

- this is where a grad student really shines. come to class as gussied up as possible. nothing reinforces that psychological divide like a power suit.

- fanny about with your papers for at least five minutes. you're so busy and important that you simply had no time to sort yourself before class. the students can wait with bated breath.

- if you arrive at tutorial, and the previous inhabitants of the class are still present, walk over authoritatively and say, 'pardon me, but i'm teaching now. please vacate my room.'

- should a student occupy your chair, move their things and take possession of the seat. if they protest, exclaim indignantly, 'i'm your TA!'. properly chagrined, the student will offer profuse apologies. accept them as reluctantly as tiberius, then proceed to harbour feelings of ill-will for most of the semester. this will be reflected in their tutorial mark.

- set the students to doing group work. open up a mouldy journal and put up the pretense of intense concentration. then read the magazine stowed in the periodical.

- don't learn names. they're first years, you're a grad student. you have thousands of pages of seminar material to process. the appellations of your students are trivial in comparison. if you feel generous, learn the names of a few keeners. proceed to favour them for the term. this is where the participation marks will go, since you failed to learn the others' names anyway.

- let the students out five minutes early and carry on as if the benevolence of the gods has been made manifest through you alone. those five minutes were prometheus' gift of fire and civilization. maybe make an erudite reference to such esoteric mythology, which will go directly over their heads and out the skylight, seeing as they're only on early israel by this point. this will only impress them more.

so, follow these handy tips and you too will join the ranks of the impressive, venerated and respected at your university. tune in next time, when we address such issues as:

endearing yourself to professors

self-aggrandizement at conferences

google as a research tool

the fall of 'rome'

or, the triumph of mechagodzilla.

as some of you may know, HBO has finished its run of 'the sopranos' and 'six feet under'. with 'sex and the city' a distant memory and its drama and violence factors sharply reduced, the highly successful cable network sought far and wide for a new show to fill the lacuna in its programming schedule. unfortunately, it felt that republican drama would be an ample source of ratings.

i'm not even going to go into the historical inaccuracies - the average viewer will neither know nor care. i'm a classicist, a romanist to boot, and i don't really care. what do concern me, however, are production values and entertainment content. 'rome' is deficient in both.

so, i missed the first episode. after having seen the second episode, i'm not crying myself to sleep over the fact. let's face it - i have a degree in this, i can fill in the gaps. but, that brings me to my first complaint: 'rome' suffers from the same problem 'troy' and 'alexander' faced - not particularly accurate from the historical perspective, but sufficiently complex to confuse the classical neophyte. a bevy of bland, togo-clad dudes arguing with a plethora of equally generic-looking, skirt-wearing soldiers - you're not really sure why they're all upset, but there's plenty of geriatric, dyspeptic hand-wringing to denote emotional turbulence. last night's highlight was, hands down, the brawl in the senate-house. canes and walkers were flying as pasty-faced british men squared off in their bedsheets. riveting!

what the viewer will have probably deduced by the end of the episode is that caesar has been naughty, and the politicians are angry. but, they'll probably side with caesar, since he has a horse, and all the senators have is emperor palpatine (creepy, seriously). cato's outfit was enough to send me over to caesar's camp - i saw old man nipple, and i was disturbed. for god's sake, we know you're trying to keep it real, man, but put on a burlap tunic or something. no one wants to see saggy, wrinkley, pasty old man boob. *shudder* but while we're on the topic of the politicians - it's nice to know that republicans were just as ultra-conservative, belligerant and stuffy 2000 years ago as they are today. you really feel the symphathy for their plight...whatever it is.

as for casting, the director sat down with a few jane austen movies and made some notes - 'emma', 'persuasion' and 'pride and prejudice' are all represented copiously. don't get me wrong, cicero was a pompous ass, but when i think sanctimonious, obnoxious republican, i don't think of the ridiculous mr. collins. well, maybe his comb-over. and let's not forget octavian: he looks like doogie howser, without the credibility. and he spouts some absolutely dreadful anachronistic idealisms about the evils of an economy based on slavery, the oligarchy of the nobility, the oppression of women etc. but don't worry folks, when caesar bites it, he'll adopt the patriarchal, power-hungry mantel of his forebearers, enslaving cities and crucifying thousands along the way. a true roman hero!

and finally, since this is HBO after all, full-frontal nudity and gratuitous sex abound. all that killing and speechifying really works up the urge to DO IT. often. sometimes during the killing and speechifying.

perhaps you're wondering about the rubric at the head of the blog. after the painful visit in 'rome', we flipped over to cbc and caught the latter half of a bad japanese flick. mechagodzilla and titanosaurus teamed up with asian aliens to face off against asian elvis impersonators sporting bad british accents. oh yeah, and there were some cyborgs too. tokyo seemed all but lost, until it was saved by the fortuitious entrance of godzilla. because, as steve so aptly put it, godzilla is like a jealous ex-boyfriend: if he can't destroy tokyo, no one can.

the verdict: mechagodzilla - 1, rome - 0.