timed out...

hey, what's the french for 'he doesn't put out'?

oh wait, here we go: 'il est UN LOSER!'

;)

found a peanut, kissed the devil

i found a peanut on the floor while sweeping the bathroom today (i have a peanut fetish, yes, but god knows why there was a peanut in the bathroom...). my thought processes and pathways are pretty random to begin with, so it's no surprise the old song immediately came to mind.

now, most people would have dismissed the inanity from thought and concentrated on the task at hand, say...french studying. me? i spent a good 20 minutes googling, then singing, the peanut song.

*~Found a Peanut~*

Found a peanut, found a peanut,

Found a peanut last night.

Last night, I found a peanut.

Found a peanut last night.

Cracked it open, Cracked it open,

Cracked it open last night.

Last night, I Cracked it open.

Cracked it open last night.

It was rotten, It was rotten,

It was rotten last night.

Last night, It was rotten.

It was rotten last night.

Ate it anyway, ate it anyway,

Ate it anyway last night.

Last night, I ate it anyway.

Ate it anyway last night.

Got sick, got sick,

Got sick last night.

Last night, I got sick

Got sick last night.

Called the doctor, called the doctor,

Called the doctor last night.

Last night, I called the doctor.

Called the doctor last night.

Penicillin, penicillin,

Penicillin last night.

Last night, penicillin.

Penicillin last night.

Wasn't working, wasn't working,

Wasn't working last night.

Last night, it wasn't working.

Wasn't working last night.

Operation, operation,

Operation last night.

Last night, an operation.

Operation last night.

Died anyway, died anyway,

Died anyway last night.

Last night, I died anyway.

Died anyway last night.

Went to heaven, went to heaven,

Went to heaven last night,

Last night I went to heaven,

Went to heaven last night.

Wouldn't take me, wouldn't take me,

Wouldn't take me last night.

Last night, they wouldn't take me.

Wouldn't take me last night.

Went the other way, went the other way,

Went the other way last night.

Last night, I went the other way.

Went the other way last night.

Kissed the Devil, kissed the Devil,

Kissed the Devil just now.

Just now I kissed the Devil,

Kissed the Devil just now.

i was immediately struck by the morbidity of the lyrical content, given the nature of the song. regardless, i'm a fan. i had originally planned suicide by stir stick, old roman style. now i'm subscribing to la mort par l'arachide. my epitaph would go something like this:

Here lies Serena.

Bit of a nutter,

The peanuts did her in.

un rétraction

i have regained my faith in my french professor. she has redeemed herself with such literary gems as:

Pierre est adroit!
Un éléphant dans un magasin de porcelaine est adroit!
Pierre est aussi adroit qu'un éléphant dans un magasin de porcelaine!

Ma voisine est gracieuse!
Un rhinocéros est gracieuse!
Ma voisine est aussi gracieuse qu'un rhinocéros!

Michel a beaucoup de patience.
Un saint a beaucoup de patience.
Michel a autant de patience qu'un saint.

and finally:

George est très musclé!
Arnold Schwarzenegger n'est pas très musclé!
George est plus musclé qu'Arnold Schwarzenegger!

the first two are really amusing, and even more so if you imagine them sans exclamation points. then it's just mean, which i can appreciate. the third could be flattering, but i'm more inclined to believe that my french professor is in fact taking a sarcastic jab at some poor sap named Michel.

what i want to know is, who is Michel? what has he done to incur her wrath? is his facetious epithet deserved?

and where can i find this George???

ton perroquet parle autant que toi.

WTF???

i'm now fully convinced that my french professor needs to be committed. avoir besoin de THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

seriously, i'm creeped out.

"yep, he's a low-rent, east-side, bootleg, jobber of a pigeon"

the Classics Club journeyed to Toronto a couple weeks ago. we saw many things: art, architecture, religious zealots, hobos and band patches. none of these can compare to the handicapable pigeon:

this pigeon is hella-creepy. the raised foot is deformed, but like my neighbor's 3-legged dog, this pigeon could BOOK. pigeons scare me enough, but pigeons who have overcome adversity and come out ahead? horrifying. this was like, the jesus of the pigeon world.

i wanted to punt it in front of a bus, but my friends wouldn't let me.

Pierre a semblé incompetant.

Je ne comprends pas:

Le gâteau était-il un succès ? A-t-il brûlé ? Ou a-t-il fait cuire au four ?

OU

????????????????????????????????????????

Je répondrai à ces questions et à plus.

it's made of poison...

it has recently come to my attention that i have neglected to update my blog...ever. due to the overwhelming interest (all two of you) and a desire to avoid my real work, i've decided to author my first of many treatises on nihil.

~crime against humanity~

generally the merits, or lack thereof, of carbonated beverages do not inspire me to wax ecstatic (though i have yet to try new diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper - and the very thought induces an unabashed thread of drool, so this soft drink treatise might become an installment series), but sometimes something comes along which so offends the sensibilities...one really has to see it to believe it:

'limited edition pepsi-cola holiday spice: cola spiced up for the season'

where does one even start? the incredulity factor. i came across this x-mas surplus in early january in a convenience store. the novelty of it spurred me to the checkout, despite the sage protestations of my companion. two sips later: *shudder*

it was pepsi, to be sure, but the 'spices' were reminiscent of cheap cologne. not even designer imposter cologne, we're talking i-90-truck-stop-in-alabama or '70s-era-rest-stop bathroom dispenser quality. not that i frequent such places regularly or if i did would even consume the aforementioned $1.50 rest room condiments, but one can extrapolate from the simile an appropriate idea of what effect these 'spices' might have on the unsuspecting palate.

in other words, it tasted like pure evil...don't ask what pure evil tastes like, when you sample it, you'll know. however, instead of chucking this monstrosity out, like any other person with sound common sense, i resolved to drink it in its entirety. i figured i must have incurred some very terrible karma to necessitate such beverage-related punishment, and i was determined to atone. i think i gained my friend's respect...or pity, i'm not really clear on which.

it says 'limited edition', and i know companies generally pander these disclaimers as threats, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, let it be a promise.