HSR: facilitating sexual harassment since 1873

my important exams are over, and i have 13 more days of free bus pass usage. you know what that means...yes my friends, the season has begun once more for 'random public transit excursions'. the rules are simple: you look at the bus schedule, and you pick a route. you then ride that route to the end (or a convenient transfer point near the end). you can amuse yourself all day if you plan it right. but, the randomness is best experienced if not premeditated.

compulsory equipment

• bus pass

this is imperative. there's no point riding the bus all day if you have to pay for it. you might as well just get a car.

• ipod/discman/walkman

second most important prerequisite. freaks will inevitably talk to you when you're not properly ensconced behind a wall of unengagedness, tangibly displayed by visible headphones.

• spare batteries

because there's little worse than being stuck all the way in the east end with no tunes.

• keys

in a pinch, they can take out an eye of any passenger who tries to get fresh.

• beverage

you don't want to have to disembark before reaching your destination just because you have a yen for fresh java.

* optional equipment: bus route map

recommended for HSR newbs. you don't want to be stuck up on rymal road without a vague notion of your location. wolves will eat you.

as an experienced HSR (hamilton street railway) passenger, i was prepared for my excursion today. i went down to gore park, picked a random route, and embarked. it was a toss-up among the 22 upper ottawa, 23 upper gage, and 24 upper sherman. having never taken any of these routes before, i was eager and excited. the 22 arrived first and in so doing, was chosen by default. i avoided the seatmate russian roulette by picking an empty block of seats. unfortunately, that doesn't stop the nutters from choosing to sit beside you. now, i cultivate an aesthetic that isn't necessarily palatable to popular society. i generally look rather bitchy, and occasionally even scary. this dissuades most nutters on busses, as they tend to prey on those from whom they might elicit a more frightened/indignant/irate reaction (i.e. mainstream society). but black lipstick did not save me today.

the one freakshow at the bus stop elected to perch beside moi. he looked reasonably lucid/mentally stable, but i've honed my nutter-sensing abilities over the 5 years i've spent on the HSR. he had the shuffling gate and shifty eyes of a nutter (and yes, nutter is a proper medical term). he managed to behave himself for half of the route. i was just getting to enjoy myself, bobbing my head around at the scenery with exuberant excitement of a puppy on his first road trip, when the man addressed me with the most bizarre proposition i've heard on the HSR:

"i'm psychic, if you let me suck your belly button i'll tell your future."

riiiiiiiiiight. when faced with situations such as these, one has several options, but etiquette does demand some response. in this case, i smiled sweetly and replied,

"no, thank you."